He said...she said...but it's not polite to talk with your mouth full...

There are some groups of individuals out there that swear human beings evolved from animals. If this is indeed the case, then there are some of us that have forgotten our roots altogether. If you watch animals closely…and no, I don’t mean in a perverted type of way where some guy goes to the zoo in a trench coat and you can never quite see where his hands are when he visits the primate house…they never seem to go to the bathroom anywhere near where they eat. Now, there are exceptions to the rule such as when you place them in a habitat that is too small and they have no choice…but as long as you afford them the space they deserve, they absolutely never do an outtake where an intake is performed. Using this analogy…you can compare it to your workplace easily. Never crap where you consume…and never get your mistress where you make your money. I’ve told people this time and time again but they never seem to listen to me. Once…and only once in my lifetime full of adventures…I decided to pick a girlfriend at the same place I worked. At first, it was absolutely wonderful but it later appeared that I had made several enemies for stepping in before any of them had the courage to approach her. Excuse me for having the courage/stupidity to be able to speak to women without fear! After I left for the military, it wasn’t long before I received the inevitable ‘Dear John’ letter due to the fact that all of my enemies had decided to approach her and take turns being ‘me’. I’m sure they never quite stepped up to the task…but the fact of the matter is that they all tried. When my military days were over and I returned to work…imagine the awkwardness for them and the pleasure for me during the confrontation. Luckily…it was an aerospace plant and there are tons of places to hide. I guess, in all honesty, it comes with time and experience. Wisdom over knowledge. In my current employment, I have been accused over the years for being stuck up and unsociable by all the young people that seem to come and go like the White Star cruise ships in a field of icebergs. Ironically along the lines of Titanic…everyone seems to want to draw everyone else naked with a big honking diamond around their neck! Some people accuse my success as a published author as the culprit but in all reality…it’s my ability to stay strong in a sea of stupid. Seven long years have placed me near the top of the seniority food chain…but it wasn’t easy. I’ve seen them come and I’ve seen them go. Most times, I don’t even bother learning their names. When you work in a place like I do there is an extremely high turnover rate. The reasoning for most of it is that some people can’t see and deal with the things that an officer experiences daily without going home and drinking themselves into a coma. Most of them, however, go buck wild with power when they pin the badge upon their chest and think that they’re untouchable. Parties turn to orgies and girlfriends get distributed amongst the guys like a Sunday morning collection plate. As of late, I decided that I was tired of the ‘holier than thou’ accusations and began to socialize a bit with a few of the newer officers…perhaps even thinking for a microsecond that my acquired wisdom would somehow rub off on them. Unfortunately, wisdom wasn’t what these people were in the business of rubbing and I soon found myself caught up in the rumor mill and ‘in the know’ of a world that I was certain I’d left many years ago. The next thing I know, I’m being called to the carpet in front of the three floating people from the Bill and Ted movies…and my air guitar impressions weren’t beginning to distract them. They wanted answers. One of the main rats on the sinking ship of justice was dunking everyone else involved under the water in an attempt to build a makeshift raft out of their drowning carcasses…and decided to drop the one name that threw them all for a loop upon its utterance. Mine. Without so much as a moment’s hesitation, I filled them in on a world of nastiness that I had never seen with my own eyes and only heard about through random breaks in the monotony of the daily grind. Why do they always come to me to die? I owed no one any loyalty whatsoever but, in the end, it’s going to make for some tension amongst some of the people I work with. It’s also not the best of ideas to stab a writer in the back just to save your own skin…because he’ll post your dilemma all over the internet to where every grandma and their dog can see what a nasty prostitute you’ve been. Wait a sec…retraction…prostitutes make a profit on their extracurricular activities. If you give it away like fortune cookies at a Chinese restaurant…it’s called ‘whoring around’. In the end…and not to quote Fred Durst because he’s any type of intelligent saint…it was all about the he said/she said BS and we all went about our daily lives as if nothing happened. Like the life lessons with animals…these people also forgot one of the first rules we learn as human beings also. He might have said this…and she might have said that…but it’s not polite to speak with your mouth full. Never defecate where you devour. Imagine the consequences if you confuse the two substances…