Tell Bruce Willis That He’s On In Five Minutes…And Get Aerosmith To Write The Soundtrack

Tell Bruce Willis That He’s On In Five Minutes…And Get Aerosmith To Write The Soundtrack:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the world and children of all ages…welcome to the circus that we call Earth! Boy…the media has really stirred up a good one this time! Hitch hiking on the heels of everyone’s X-files wet dream of the world coming to an abrupt end in the year 2012…it would appear that the moon is going to be closer to our glorious planet than it has in almost twenty years and, this time, it’s going to be a full one! According to astrologers…this could increase seismic activity as well as volcanic and oceanic tragedies. Of course, the earthquake in Japan that caused the big waves to swing through the Pacific didn’t help things much either. Right now, people are shaking in their sandals on the West Coast of the United States according to our beloved new programs. I beg to differ. I used to live in California. The reality of it is that there are hundreds of stoned surfers in Santa Monica waiting for them to hit! Now why, you may be asking yourself, isn’t Chad Miller scared to death about the happenings all over the world and the possibilities of it getting worse? First of all…astrology is a theoretically based science…just like paranormal investigation. In the past seven years, I have yet to blow the minds of the scientific community so I’m not going to let a lot of guys who spend their lives looking at the stars with permanent cricks in their necks dazzle me with their theories of things that could possibly happen on the surface of our planet. Second, the recorded and proven rises in activity regarding seismic, oceanic, and volcanic activity during full moons is a whopping 1% and that’s not quite enough to convince me that it’s time to start carrying around a spare pair of boxer shorts…just in case the devastation becomes so horrible that you accidentally soil a pair. Third, and the most important part that everyone seems to be overlooking, is that the media keeps repeatedly using the word ‘recorded’ when they speak of earthquakes. It’s the 5th most powerful earthquake in ‘recorded’ history. We’ve only been ‘recording’ these events for the past one hundred years and, whether or not you subscribe to the scientific findings of the world being billions of years old…or the church’s faith that it’s only about four thousand, one hundred years is only a drop in the bucket compared to the grand scheme of things. So, if interpreted correctly, these events are only the worst to happen to the world in a hundred years! Now…feels a little insignificant…doesn’t it? Anyone remember Pompeii? Finally, you have to take into account that these types of events have been happening all over our beloved Mother Earth since the first day the sun rose upon its beloved surface. The only difference between then and now is that we have only just recently invented the technology to measure, record, and communicate with the rest of the world instantly these so called ‘recent’ findings. Now, before you reply to this and start calling me up about being cold hearted and put yourself under the false impression that I’m trying to lessen the devastation and loss of human life along the Japanese coast, please understand that this rant is not intended to do that. I feel nothing but sadness for the families that lost loved ones during this event. What you have to keep in mind is the fact that the Earth is a living thing regardless of how our governments and big businesses insist on treating it like it’s just some rock floating out in space. Comparing her to a dog, which is only used for the purposes of this example, she will just shake us off like fleas when she is damned good and ready. If you don’t believe me…ask the dinosaurs. She got pissed off one day, tired of them leaving large piles of dino-crap all over her beautiful face, and paid a rogue comet fifty bucks to take care of them. Comets…the do-anything-for-money crack heads of the universe! If we keep drilling in her skin, ruining her oceans, and polluting her air…we’re next. She’s giving us subtle hints here and there that she is beginning to get a little irritated with us…but the majority of the population just chooses to overlook it. Now, keep in mind that I’m just philosophizing…which is the same thing that the astrologers and Armageddon fanatics are doing…and the choice is completely up to you on whether or not you carry around that extra pair of underwear we discussed earlier. If push comes to shove, my wife just got a really awesome camera and would be willing to take all of our photographs as we either burn, drown, or fall to our deaths inside of giant cracks forming suddenly underneath our feet. Wallet size will cost extra, though. Maybe it might not be a bad idea to ask Bruce Willis to keep his cell phone handy (and his emergency tightie-whities) just in case. Fleas have to be prepared!